unicorn's lament

I used to be a unicorn

Of proud and noble stance

Leaping from tussock to grassy mound

In balletic equine dance.

I’d toss my mane, extend my neck,

My horn would sparkle brightly;

Unicornesses swooned at my charms

(With any luck, twice nightly.)

But then I discovered chocolate

And puddings and other such stuff,

Sweets and donuts and fresh, creamy cakes

I just couldn’t get enough!

I gorged myself, I stuffed myself,

I just kept increasing my weight

But it wasn’t really my fault -

It’s my metabolic rate!

Elephants would comfort me;

They said, “Size doesn’t matter”

But it matters to a unicorn

If you just keep getting fatter.

My galloping slowed to trotting

And then to a lumbering clump -

As I sank in despair, I was oh so aware

Of the state of my waddling rump.

Though I did try to diet for all I was worth

I failed miserably – Oh it was sickening -

But worse than the mirth at my increasing girth

My horn was continually thickening.

You’ve no need to tell me, I can see for myself,

The truth is obvious, I know

I’m no longer a unicorn, sylph-like and slender -

I’ve turned into a rhino!

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