She were bouling a tansad down tenfoot
To show off the bairn to her mates
Who were hanging around
On that piece of waste ground
Just alongside o’ school gates.
They’d nipped out for a fag,
It was, oh, such a drag
But they woun’t let you smoke in the school.
"There’s Pearson and Fitch."
“He’s a twat!” “She’s a bitch!”
Both teachers were trying to look cool.
They both turned a blind eye
As she bouled the bairn by:
They were out for a fag, not a fight
So they sniffed and they tutted
But were both of ‘em gutted
When they realised they’d not got a light.
So they sidled across to admire the bairn -
“What d’yer get? Were it boy or a girl?”
“He looks lovely,”sighed Fitch
(Being not such a bitch)
Her sincerity made yer toes curl.
Then the nudge from behind ‘er
(Pearson’s timely reminder -
He were desperate and timing were tight)
Situation were dire
Prompting Fitch to enquire,
“Don’t s’pose one of you’s got a light?”
Young lass said, “You’ve got to be joking!
Since the bairn came I’ve given up smoking.
You should give up yourself
‘Cos it’s bad for your health -
And besides, I don’t want the bairn choking.”
Fitch were put in her place
And, with reddening face,
Skulked back into school for next lesson.
Alongside her, gangling,
Unlit ciggy dangling,
The long streak of piss that were Pearson.
Then t’lass turned to her mates,
Still stood by the gates,
Sniggering at ‘ow she’d the gall
And, to their surprise,
Looked ‘em straight in the eyes
Saying, “That goes for you lot ‘n’ all.”
“I may not have passed all my GCSEs
But that don’t mean that I’m dumb
I can’t do spellings and punctuation
Long division and multiplication
But now I’ve found my true vocation
… And I just wanna be a good mum.”