Some Cheddar cheese,

Some Danish blue,

6 corny ghosts and a pile of poo?

4 trolls,

A loofah,

Some curly cakes.

Does the fishmonger really sell dolphin steaks?!

A packet of cats,

Two tinselly toms,

A pack of a dozen home-made bombs,

An orang-utan,

A lemon,

A lime,

A pickled gnome,

A jar of slime,

2 Marks & Spencer £10 meals,

An odious monk,

4 putrid seals.

When I wrote this down was I just a bit pissed?

Is this what they mean by Brahms and Liszt?

A turkey-baster,

2 pregnant pandas,

4 pink and purple salamanders…

A bottle of gin (my favourite tipple),

A ton of ice-cream (raspberry nipple)

Oh come on now, this is absurd!

Who’d want to buy a minty turd?!

And what the Dickens is condom glue?

I must track it down - I get 3 for 2.

I know for a fact I need red wine

But where will I find a porcupine?

Two fresh randy tarts sounds good to me;

I’ll pay for one and get one free.

The vicar’s coming round for tea –

That’s one for him and one for me.

I don’t mind shopping usually

Though today I am perplexed:

What’s the point of a shopping list

If you don’t remember your specs?!
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