If you served in a sweetshop I’d come in for goodies,

Hang round the till with the school-kids and hoodies.

Clutching my Snickers, I’d patiently wait

Hoping for courage to ask for a date.

If in Morrisons, Asda or Tesco you worked

Stacking the shelves, in the aisles I’d lurk.

Then when the coast was all clear I would hurry,

Ask for directions to chilli and curry.

Ask you politely how you’ve been keeping,

If on the checkouts you’ve lately been beeping,

If you were bored with pricing and stacking

Maybe you’d like to help with my packing.

And if in a barber’s you wielded the clippers

On pensioners, teenagers, curly-mopped nippers,

I’d visit you daily so don’t be appalled

If by Friday I finally ended up bald.

If you worked in a baker’s, I could visit perhaps,

Squeezing your buns and admiring your baps,

Longing to ask you to come for a stroll,

Secretly wishing we’d both share a roll.

If you worked in a pet-shop, then each day I’d come

For a dozen more tins of pedigree Chum -

But I’ve not got a dog (is that a surprise?);

I suppose I could always take up making pies.

And if in a butcher’s you served me with pork,

Perhaps I would muster the courage to talk

And maybe you’d answer me - what a relief! -

We’d discuss Cumberland sausage and beef.

Conversation would flourish - if I’m not mistaken -

And pretty soon after I’d bring home the bacon.

If you worked in a bookshop, the books I would buy!

Through fantasy, fiction and faction I’d fly.

Autobiographies, novels and thrillers,

Travel books, cook books and Stephen King chillers,

Tragedies, comedies, period histories,

Westerns, romances and whodunit mysteries.

I’d buy all those books even though I’m not needing ‘em

Who knows?! –I might even get round to reading ‘em!

In a hardware shop? I’d come in for candles,

For peas and for hoes and of course for fork handles.

With two Ronnies’ humour I’d hope to amuse

Though I’m longing to ask you for extra long screws.

So don’t think it weird if each day (except Sundays)

I come into your shop to buy women’s undies!

I try to persuade you they’re all for my sister

Though you probably think I’m a perverted mister.

I wish that you worked in Comet or Boots -

I’d breeze into there and I’d not give two hoots -

In Argos, in Sainsbury’s, or in B&Q,

Iceland or Homebase or a shop that sells shoes,

A DIY store, a garage, a plumbers …

I wish you worked anywhere else … but Anne Summers!

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