“Who’s been eating my porridge?” growled an angry Daddy Bear
“And messed up Mummy Bear’s duvet – and broken our kid’s chair?”
“It wasn’t me,” cried Goldilocks, “I’m kind and honest too.
It must have been Red Riding Hood – she’s full of derring-do.
Since her near-death experience she doesn’t give a hoot;
They say she killed her granny – and blamed a wolf to boot.
She pushed Mr Dumpty off a wall; she pushed Jack down a hill.
No-one knows for certain but they think she was jealous of Jill.
She’s full of malicious gossip; starts rumours with a lie -
Georgie Porgy didn’t chase her or kiss her – he’s really rather shy.
Now I may not have the evidence but I’ve more than a passing hunch
The spider wasn’t to blame at all – It was Red that stole Miss Muffet’s lunch
And as for King Cole hiring all of those fiddlers – it’s because of Red’s dancing addiction
And that poor old woman had to live in a shoe ‘cos Red Riding Hood caused her eviction.
Tom Piper never stole that pig (with Red you shouldn’t confuse him)
And Doctor Foster didn’t accost her (although she did accuse him).”
“Well – I’m not sure,” mused Daddy Bear, “you sound a goody-goody”
“Should I blame the flaxen Goldilocks – or the lassy in the hoody?”
“Well, I can’t tolerate blondes or brunettes: I certainly don’t like reds,”
Expostulated the Queen of Hearts - “Off with both their heads!”
And so the moral of this tale: If you’re bent on committing crimes,
Don’t trust a poet-witness: they’ll write anything as long as it rhymes!