Raffle tickets

Get your raffle tickets here!

(The seller accosted the queue)

It’s your very last chance to buy a ticket

Before the M62.

Lucky raffle tickets!

And (let’s be honest -

In compliance with the Trade Descriptions Act)

Some not-so-lucky ones as well.

We’ve got tickets in four different colours:

Yellow, green, blue and roasted butternut squash.

Can’t decide which one to buy?

Buy one of each and increase your chances of disappointment.

You know you love to lose:

If you’re British, it’s your destiny.

What’s it in aid of ?

Well it ain’t buying me another holiday, that’s for sure;

Not after last year’s airport fiasco!

No, love – all the proceeds go to whatever it says on the bucket.

What can you win ? 

What can you win ?

You disappoint me.

It’s not about the winning -

Which is just as well ‘cos the prizes ain’t brilliant -

It’s about providing you with an opportunity

to contribute to a worthy cause

And, in return,

This 2 square centimetres of recycled kitchen roll

Is a ray of sunshine;

A promise of better things to come.

It represents possibilities;


A glimmer of hope in a world bereft

of political certainty and social stability.

You ain’t just purchasing a raffle ticket;

You are buying into an experience.

Imagine the excitement as you perch on the edge of your seat

waiting for the numbers to be drawn.

The numbers are shuffled in the bag.

You’re a mixture of emotions.

Hopeful that you might win

But slightly apprehensive that you might deprive

someone else less fortunate than yourself.

The hand dips in to pick a ticket.

The tension mounts.

The adrenalin kicks in.

Endorphins are busting a gut

to flood your system with joyous expectation.

The winning number is called -

And have you won ?

Have you won ?


But you’ve lived dangerously!

You’ve been to the edge!

And all that for a quid a ticket.

How many can I do you for?
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