NeighbourhooD Watch

There’s Monica at number 3

Has the vicar round for tea.

She’s 80-plus and mad as a hatter.

On Wednesdays goes to “Knit & natter”

But it’s not worth knitting really, is it,

For great grandkids who never visit?

At number 5 there’s “Naughty Nan”

Entertains her “fancy man”,

But though she’s feeling all romance-y

There’s trouble ahead for Nan, I fancy.

Though she thinks it's just for her he comes

He’s working his way round all the mums.

Number 7 with the ginger twins

Decorates her rubbish bins

With cheery flowers in sticky-back plastic,

Thinks her efforts look fantastic.

But “Naughty Nan” doesn’t share the feeling;

Nips out each night to advance their peeling.

You don’t see her at number 9 -

Whatever she says, she’s not, “Fine, just fine.”

She’s flaky as pastry and falling apart

Nursing a terminal broken heart.

Couldn’t satisfy his sexual hunger -

Ran off with a lass that were 10 years younger.

Along the way at number 10

They’ve got the builders in again!

There’s sand in the front – there’s bricks at the back -

There’s mud all down the cul-de-sac.

I keep on saying but they don’t take heed.

Just how many conservatories do you need?

Then there’s that baggy-trousered lout -

He’d benefit from hefty clout.

Excuse me if you think I’m grouching

But I just can’t stand young people slouching.

Stand up straight! Put your shoulders back!

Pull up your jeans and hide that crack!

The corner-house is bigger than most:

Mr & Mrs “We Don’t Like to Boast”.

He thinks that he’s a wealthy man -

He’s got two cars and a caravan -

But he works all hours, gets home at 10

Then at six in the morning he’s off again.

And as for me – I’ve not got a lot

But you have to be happy with what you’ve got

And every other Sunday (if she’s not too busy)

I see our Carol – and her good friend, Lizzy.

When push comes to shove I’m quite content;

I can do as I please since Bernard went.

They say, “Oooh, you must miss him” – and I s’pose it’s so

But he were always under my feet you know.

Ate like an ‘orse! Hogged the bed!

Spent half his life in the garden shed.

I just thank the Lord that I’ve got my health.

Wrap up warm – Keep myself to myself.

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