There’s Monica at number 3
Has the vicar round for tea.
She’s 80-plus and mad as a hatter.
On Wednesdays goes to “Knit & natter”
But it’s not worth knitting really, is it,
For great grandkids who never visit?
At number 5 there’s “Naughty Nan”
Entertains her “fancy man”,
But though she’s feeling all romance-y
There’s trouble ahead for Nan, I fancy.
Though she thinks it's just for her he comes
He’s working his way round all the mums.
Number 7 with the ginger twins
Decorates her rubbish bins
With cheery flowers in sticky-back plastic,
Thinks her efforts look fantastic.
But “Naughty Nan” doesn’t share the feeling;
Nips out each night to advance their peeling.
You don’t see her at number 9 -
Whatever she says, she’s not, “Fine, just fine.”
She’s flaky as pastry and falling apart
Nursing a terminal broken heart.
Couldn’t satisfy his sexual hunger -
Ran off with a lass that were 10 years younger.
Along the way at number 10
They’ve got the builders in again!
There’s sand in the front – there’s bricks at the back -
There’s mud all down the cul-de-sac.
I keep on saying but they don’t take heed.
Just how many conservatories do you need?
Then there’s that baggy-trousered lout -
He’d benefit from hefty clout.
Excuse me if you think I’m grouching
But I just can’t stand young people slouching.
Stand up straight! Put your shoulders back!
Pull up your jeans and hide that crack!
The corner-house is bigger than most:
Mr & Mrs “We Don’t Like to Boast”.
He thinks that he’s a wealthy man -
He’s got two cars and a caravan -
But he works all hours, gets home at 10
Then at six in the morning he’s off again.
And as for me – I’ve not got a lot
But you have to be happy with what you’ve got
And every other Sunday (if she’s not too busy)
I see our Carol – and her good friend, Lizzy.
When push comes to shove I’m quite content;
I can do as I please since Bernard went.
They say, “Oooh, you must miss him” – and I s’pose it’s so
But he were always under my feet you know.
Ate like an ‘orse! Hogged the bed!
Spent half his life in the garden shed.
I just thank the Lord that I’ve got my health.
Wrap up warm – Keep myself to myself.