Please step inside and look around. We’re open to enquirers
Welcome to our fantasy world –“The Little Shop of Hirers”
If it’s wizards and witches you want, we’ve got dozens!
We hire them as singles: we hire them as covens.
We’ve got crones dressed in rags with sooty-black teeth
Who will prance round a pot on a blasted heath -
And, I tell you what, because it’s you,
I’ll let you have three for the price of two.

We’ve see-through ghosts and poltergeists,
Sexy sirens it’s hard to say“No” to.
We’ve dwarves and fairies and too many trolls
And even a gnome we can go to.

We don’t have much call for giants, it’s true,
But perhaps I could remind you:
It will soon be the pantomime season
“Look out! He’s behind you!”
A giant on top of a beanstalk
Will keep the punters coming,
Though they’re not all that clever at learning their lines -
Best stick with “fee-fi-fo-fumming”.

But I will admit, there’s a gap in our stock;
They’re no longer there on our shelves.
It’s a pity, I know, but that’s how it goes -
We’re no longer allowed to stock elves.

Now don’t get me wrong - I would like to oblige;
I’ve made applications consecutive.
Just like you, I’m confused -but I’m always refused
By the Elfin Safety Executive.

Can I interest you in a leprechaun?
Any colour you like … as long as it’s green.


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