Buying presents for your friends is a Christmas “how do you do”,

Especially if all your friends are animals inthe zoo.

I must confess I wondered what to get for a giraffe;

A pack of mentholyptus or a 34 foot scarf?!

Heated rollers for the lion; they’d help to tame his mane;

He’ll be a curly cutie when he’s hunting down big game.

Binoculars for the meerkats; they’re always on the lookout;

A library ticket for the worm – so he can get a book out.

A pogo-stick for the kangaroo – to help him with his jump;

A course of anti-depressants for a camel with the hump.

A “Life of Brian” video is ideal for a python.

Pigs are so untidy they might profit from a Dyson.

A cardy for the sheep so he can stay warm when he’s shorn.

A tea-cosy for the rhino – he could put it on his horn.

A pair of warm pyjamas for a hibernating bear

And a teddy for his missus - to liven up their lair.

Some toothpaste for the crocodile to keep his teeth all glinty -

So when he’s chomping on your leg, at least his breath smells minty!

Crocodiles have image problems so, if I could be so bold,

I’ll buy a pot of shiny paint to make a “croc of gold”.

Toothpicks for the tigers; some garlic for the snails;

Some calendars for the dolphins – containing prints of whales.

Some skateboards for the boas and the vipers and the adders;

I hope they go down better than last year – I bought them ladders!

To mitigate their stink, I’ll buy some perfume for the skunks;

A swimpool for the elephants – I know they’ve got some trunks.

Then for the ring-tailed lemurs, yet another ring;

Some jewels for the jackdaw (or at least some glittery bling).

A mud-pack for the hippo; some sun-specs for the panda;

Perhaps a Tom-tom sat-nav for the goosey-goosey-gander?

A handbag for the alligator, lurking in the rushes;

A vacuum for the foxes so that they could save their brushes.

A maxi-tube of Clearasil to clear the leopard’s spots

A sex-toy for a rabbit; they’ve always got the hots!

I’d bought and wrapped their presents; they were all around the tree,

Though the beavers thought that was their gift and there’s not much left to see.

They’ve nibbled at the branches and they’ve gobbled all the bark;

The jackals and hyenas thought the whole thing was a lark.

The chimpanzees and gibbons thought they’d join in with the caper

So they’ve run off with the tinsel and they’ve torn up all the paper.

The Christmas lights have disappeared, the season’s looking murky:

No need to fret – there’s still hope yet – I bought stuffing for the turkey!

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