I got invited to a barn dance.

It’s not my favoured pastime

But I reasoned with my inner self,

It can’t be as bad as last time.

I’m sure it wasn’t my fault

I thought dancers were more resilient

But the ambulance got there quickly

And the paramedics were brilliant.

So I went along to the Village Hall

(It was decorated gaily)

A matronly type met me inside the door

Said she’d introduce me to Kayleigh

I was hoping that Kayleigh was younger than her

And I thought that a reasonable hope

‘Cos you must be quite young to be named after someone

Who’s in an Australian soap.

The lady who stood with the band at the front

Said, “It’s easy! You’ll learn in one night.

So keep fear at bay, just do as I say,

Though it helps if you know left from right.”

So, to start with, we all formed a circle,

We promenaded in pairs

Then we passed on our partners to somebody else

And we took up a partner of theirs.

Within minutes I’d danced with every lady

They were prancing around and not frail-ly

Which was really quite something considering their age

So I don’t think I danced with young Kayleigh.

We paused for a minute to get back our breath

Then returned once again to the floor

The music was slicker, the caller much quicker

With a dance that we’d not done before.

“Cast! Cast!” the caller demanded

Like a lady who’s bent on a mission

I thought we were trying to barn dance

Apparently, she thinks we’re fishing!

“Form a line! Form a square! Circle right! Make an arch!”

Instructions were fired thick and fast.

I did what I could to keep up with it all.

“Now sway, Dozy Doe – No, that’s cast.”

Excuse me, I just need to recap

‘Cos, you see, once again I’ve forgotten:

Am I numbered as one when I start at the top?

And then I’m a two at the bottom?

The whole thing was terribly confusing

And I’d not even been on the booze

But I honestly couldn’t distinguish between

My number ones and number twos!

And then we did stripping the willow

Now I’d seen that on Bear Grylls on telly

But I don’t recall him linking arms with a bear

Or getting a punch in the belly.

I got pushed – I got shoved – I got tripped – I got kicked

I’ll admit I was starting to wonder

If coming along to this village hall do

Was revealing itself as a blunder.

Then one final swing made me topple and fall

I was trying too hard I suspect

Then everyone else all tripped over me

A domino kind of effect.

I said I was sorry and I truly was too

I tried to muster a smile up

But it’s not all that easy to sound so sincere

When you’re right at the base of a pile-up.

To unscramble the mess took six burly blokes

They were hauling off bodies of biddies

The language, it’s true, made the air turn quite blue

It’s as well that there weren’t any kiddies.

“I suggest that it’s wise if you don’t come again,”

The caller said firmly but pale-ly

That’s a shame – I was just getting into the swing

Though I never did get to meet Kayleigh.

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