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AUNT EMILY


I went to visit Aunt Emily,

She’s “away with the gibbering gibbons”.

She answered the door with not a stitch on

Unless you can count two pink ribbons.



“Don’t be such a prude,”

She said, “It’s not rude –

Anything goes, don’t you find?

I twerked the postman this morning,

He didn’t seem to mind,

Though he did say he was rather busy

When I offered him payment in kind,

Which is really a shame

‘Cos I was quite game;

He’s got such a squidgy behind!”



“Anyway – he left me a letter

From Australia, your Great Uncle Bill.

I wish the old geezer would just pop his clogs

And leave me some cash in his will.

I could do with a little bit extra

To help have my dance-pole installed;

I sometimes get dizzy,

I go all of a tizzy

But it keeps Mr Percy enthralled.

He comes from off his allotment

With cabbages, caulis and greens

And once with a number

Of giant cucumbers

Stuck down the front of his jeans.

There was also a leaflet on stairlifts –

Now why would I want one of those?

Mr Percy’s OK for getting upstairs;

Going down’s not so good, I suppose.”



“Anyway, let’s not stand gabbing.

Let me make you a nice cup of tea

And a piece of my marzipan fruitcake

And I’ll have a large G&T!

The cake might taste just a bit different

From my beetroot, date and banana;

I’ve spiced it up just a little

With some of that mari-ju-ana.

Ooh, it’s good stuff,

I just can’t get enough

And they say that it’s good for your heart.

I don’t know about such

But I’ll tell you this much,

It certainly does make you fart!

And with Percy’s fresh greens

I can raise quite a stink

Is that what dissuaded the postman

D’you think?”



Now I’ve behaved sensibly all of my life,

Talking nicely and dressing quite tastefully

But I’m taking a leaf out of Emily’s book –

I’m gonna grow old quite disgracefully!

I’ll walk around in the buff (like Aunt Em),

Grow a beard and dye it lime green

I’m planning on growing it three foot six long

So that nothing obscene can be seen.



And when I cut loose

I will have my excuse;

I’m away with the gibbering gibbons!

I’m gonna be reckless

I’m gonna be feckless

I’m gonna abandon political correctness

And when I get restless

I’ll decamp to Texas

Eat oysters for lunch and have burgers for breakfast

I’ll go out on the town and I’ll come back quite legless

Wearing only my beard and a tiger-tooth necklace

Now where did I put those pink ribbons?

Come on, Aunty Em!

Let’s show ‘em!

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