I went to visit Aunt Emily,
She’s “away with the gibbering gibbons”.
She answered the door with not a stitch on
Unless you can count two pink ribbons.
“Don’t be such a prude,”
She said, “It’s not rude –
Anything goes, don’t you find?
I twerked the postman this morning,
He didn’t seem to mind,
Though he did say he was rather busy
When I offered him payment in kind,
Which is really a shame
‘Cos I was quite game;
He’s got such a squidgy behind!”
“Anyway – he left me a letter
From Australia, your Great Uncle Bill.
I wish the old geezer would just pop his clogs
And leave me some cash in his will.
I could do with a little bit extra
To help have my dance-pole installed;
I sometimes get dizzy,
I go all of a tizzy
But it keeps Mr Percy enthralled.
He comes from off his allotment
With cabbages, caulis and greens
And once with a number
Of giant cucumbers
Stuck down the front of his jeans.
There was also a leaflet on stairlifts –
Now why would I want one of those?
Mr Percy’s OK for getting upstairs;
Going down’s not so good, I suppose.”
“Anyway, let’s not stand gabbing.
Let me make you a nice cup of tea
And a piece of my marzipan fruitcake
And I’ll have a large G&T!
The cake might taste just a bit different
From my beetroot, date and banana;
I’ve spiced it up just a little
With some of that mari-ju-ana.
Ooh, it’s good stuff,
I just can’t get enough
And they say that it’s good for your heart.
I don’t know about such
But I’ll tell you this much,
It certainly does make you fart!
And with Percy’s fresh greens
I can raise quite a stink
Is that what dissuaded the postman
Now I’ve behaved sensibly all of my life,
Talking nicely and dressing quite tastefully
But I’m taking a leaf out of Emily’s book –
I’m gonna grow old quite disgracefully!
I’ll walk around in the buff (like Aunt Em),
Grow a beard and dye it lime green
I’m planning on growing it three foot six long
So that nothing obscene can be seen.
And when I cut loose
I will have my excuse;
I’m away with the gibbering gibbons!
I’m gonna be reckless
I’m gonna be feckless
I’m gonna abandon political correctness
And when I get restless
I’ll decamp to Texas
Eat oysters for lunch and have burgers for breakfast
I’ll go out on the town and I’ll come back quite legless
Wearing only my beard and a tiger-tooth necklace
Now where did I put those pink ribbons?
Come on, Aunty Em!
Let’s show ‘em!